more stuff
today was my last day of physical therapy for my left ankle! it still hurts, and i’m using a cane, but i am walking pretty well in tennis shoes and i know how to continue the exercises at home. we took it really easy because of the bad fall i’d had on friday.
i went to a reflective retreat this past saturday and was amazed at what happened to me. somewhere in the middle of the mindfulness orange exercise, something in me cracked open and spilled out and i started sobbing. locked-up tears finally finding their way to the air. i cried and cried, a friend came and sat with me, i kept crying. i was ashamed, embarrassed - i do not cry in public easily (at least i try not to)—actually for that matter, i don’t cry in private easily, either. she helped me breathe again, and when she left i laid down on the couch curled into a ball, the tears still begging for release.
it opened up a lot of skanky stuff inside of me. stuff i’ve been burying. how angry i am about so many things. how broken-hearted i am. how torn apart and battered i am.
that stuff has been oozing through ever since. i will do anything to stop it - including self-injury. (i have to report to my therapist how the si is going, and he will not be pleased this week)
i am so close to the sea. i am standing on the sand, terrified to fully immerse myself, afraid of the waves, the rush of the whitewater. knowing that in order to heal i must jump in, swim, and not be afraid.
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posted by: renee
on Nov 17, 2008 :: 1:38 pm | [7] comments |
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Nov 12, 2008 :: 9:49 am
written in the book of love
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posted by: renee
on Nov 12, 2008 :: 9:49 am | [1] comments |
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Nov 10, 2008 :: 8:52 pm
bias & support
i discovered some new blogs recently, and this particular entry (written by stephany back in 2007) is amazing.
it’s true--people don’t know how to react to mental illness. by the time i’d had my 6th hospitalization (this year), nobody visited me anymore. (of course i don’t blame them, i’d be tired of me, too) but it wasn’t just that, it was that i could tell people were giving up. why wasn’t i getting better? was there really something wrong? what if it was all in my head--not real. no depression or ptsd. shock therapy for a delusion?
my in-laws stopped calling. they called my husband a saint for all he was doing while i was in the hospital.
they told me to snap out of it, to concentrate more, to drink herbal tea, to trust jesus, to try natural remedies. they told me it was demonic, that i was in a spiritual battle. they told me all kinds of hurtful things, and then- as the relapse happened, they stopped saying anything at all.
but there is a definite difference, in general, between the way people treat psychological and mental illness. it’s in the health care system, in the way doctors (family physicians) raise their eyebrows at your current med list, it’s the way the in-laws forget the pain and trauma i carry all the time (not just when i break both legs or get in a car accident).
i have been blessed to have a supportive family (of sorts) here as readers on this blog. thank you. thank you for honoring and bearing witness to my emotional, psychological, and traumatic needs. thanks for your prayers and concern and for never doubting or lecturing me.
you have no idea how rare you all are. i am grateful to have you as part of my life.
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posted by: renee
on Nov 10, 2008 :: 8:52 pm | [12] comments |
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doctor's visit
i just got back from my doc’s office. my brain scan looks normal. (yay!) he said he was looking for blood pooling in the head/brain.
we did some testing for the dizziness and lack of balance, then they tried this “ear unplugger” machine that only worked on one ear. it looked like something you’d buy off of tv. i mean, seriously. but it did work for one ear!
recently i noticed some lumps in my breast/chest near the bruising from the seatbelt. i thought about not talking about it, but they were slightly painful, and they weren’t going away. so i mentioned it to the doc. i was told i have “mondor’s disease"- it’s apparently rare. i got it from trauma from the accident—the seat belt saved my life, but gave me a massive 12x3 long bruise all down my right side. it also apparently gave me this “mondor’s disease” thing.
it’ nice to know i wasn’t over-exaggerating or complaining. my doc looked actually surprised when he diagnosed it. he said he hadn’t seen a case of it in a very long time.
nothing about the fatigue or constant exhaustion, but i feel better knowing my brain is normal (hahahaha! such irony!) and that the pain i’m experiencing (though rare) is benign.
more writing on things other than my recent medical crises soon!
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posted by: renee
on Nov 10, 2008 :: 11:57 am | [5] comments |
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Nov 07, 2008 :: 4:43 pm
ct scan complete
wow.
my husband spent about 45 minutes removing my 18 different pieces of body jewelry.
then we rushed to the hospital, waited in one waiting room, were transferred to another waiting room, then finally to the ct room.
it was scary, terribly scary, but i was looking forward to getting it over with. i jumped a couple times out of fright, and kind of started to hyperventilate, but soon it was over and i was done.
yipes. yikes.
i’m more worried about what my doc is looking for in the head scan at this point. i could understand the neck…
i’ll know more on monday.
looking forward to going to sleep tonight. really exhausted.
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posted by: renee
on Nov 07, 2008 :: 4:43 pm | [3] comments |
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a wee bit scared
ok- more than a wee bit.
doctor said i needed a CT scan of my head/neck.
i discovered some lumps in the front of my chest on the traumatized side of my body (via the car accident). not sure what they are? soft tissue injury?
anyway.… i’m more than a bit claustrophobic. so i’m nervous.
(i am going to have to remove a lot of body jewelry)
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posted by: renee
on Nov 07, 2008 :: 11:24 am | [0] comments |
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Nov 06, 2008 :: 5:27 pm
yet another meme { #44:44 }
this one is via the fantastic bob carlton
Here's how this thing works:
* each blogger posts 44 things about the 44th President of the USA.
* somewhere in the post, the tag #44:44 is included, so all the posts are more easily tracked
* each blogger then tags 4 other bloggers (or 44, if they are wacky)
to invite them to post their own 44 things about the 44th President on
their blog
1. i pray, hope, wish and desire protection on obama and his family not only during this time of transition, but also through his presidency.
2. i hope that both sides of political conflict can come together in a true spirit of unity.
3. i hope i can come to peace with others who may not believe as i do (rather than rage)
4. i hope that obama can fulfill his promises and his promise of change.
5. i hope that we who voted for him can truly be a part of that process.
6. i hope that we will commit to being a part of that process.
7. i hope that obama isn’t just like every other politician, but truly means his words
8. change is always a bit scary, i hope that obama can provide strong leadership in the midst of it
9. in some sordid way, i hope that james dobson’s scenario is absolutely true in 2012
10. i hope that obama can spend quality time with his family even in the WH.
11. i wish for grace and mercy on his wife and children, in particular, as they continue to grow.
12. i hope that we can find a resolution and connection with foreign nations
13. i hope that obama can truly help to make more environmental changes
14. i hope that the voices and the stories told through the obama campaign continue
15. i hope that obama can wrestle with all that he needs to mentally in order to truly become a good president.
16. i hope that obama’s heart does not harden.
17. i hope obama recognises the chance that this country gave him, and that he makes the most of it.
18. i hope that the cranky people who are upset about the results of the election move to another country or be willing to open their hearts and participate in a non-violent, reasonable dialogue.
19. i hope that obama can gain and make use of bipartisan connections
20. i hope obama continues to be a uniter and a defender of the hurting
21. i hope obama can be given grace to accomplish his daily tasks
22. i hope the church can support the president out loud, in word and action
23. because of obama, i believe in the american flag again.
24. i worry that obama will be tested, and very soon
25. i pray that he is strong-minded, level-headed, protected, and committed to his cause(s).
26. i am proud to say that i am american, that i was a part of the beginning of change in america.
27. i hope that we can see capitalism for what it is, and be willing to make sacrifices for the whole.
28. i really, really need universal healthcare.
29. i love this page of amazing obama pictures (love it)
30. i also love these rally pictures (emotion: hope)
31. i think it is an optimistic sign that obama got the web site: change.gov
32. i hope obama will lead us into a more technological age.
33. i hope he can be a part of technological international security in a way that still upholds our freedom and individuality
34. i really enjoyed the night obama gave his acceptance speech. i felt a lot of hope. i don’t feel that much hope very often.
35. i don’t want to be disappointed, but i’m sure i will be.
36. i hope that obama has a world and agenda big enough for everyone.
37. i hope that no one gets lost
38. i wish my mother had been able to see this happen.
39. i am honored to be a part in these huge moments in history
40. i hope i can fulfill what i have been called to do.
41. (44 is an awful lot of things to say)
42. i hope my daughter will be seen and noticed by the obama presidency.
43. i hope someday she can know what a big deal this is
44. i hope i never forget that i was a part of these moments.
wow. i think i had some redundancy. that was hard!
i tag:
* inner dorothy
* pomomusings
* magpie girl
* jen lemen
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posted by: renee
on Nov 06, 2008 :: 5:27 pm | [0] comments |
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fun band meme
i was tagged by marko in a meme. it’s a great one!!
here are the rules:
1. Band Name: Random Wikipeda Link
2. Album Title: Random quote generator (take the last four words from the first quote on the page)
3. Album Art: Flickr Interesting Photo (pick one)
here are my results:
* New York State Route 31E
(infamous band name)
* You Cannot Defeat Me
(bestselling album)
* <-- album cover
wanna play?
please do in the comments.
(it’s fun. really)
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posted by: renee
on Nov 06, 2008 :: 1:00 pm | [7] comments |
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Nov 05, 2008 :: 9:48 am
so i will myself to go on
i’m sorry there is so much pain in this story. i’m sorry it’s in fragments, like a body caught in crossfire, or pulled apart by force. but there is nothing i can do to change it.
i’ve tried to put some of the good things in as well. flowers, for instance, because where would we be without them?
nevertheless it hurts me to tell it over, over again. once was enough: wasn’t once enough for me at the time? but i keep going with this sad and hungry and sordid, this limping and mutilated story, because after all i want you to hear it, as i will hear yours too … by telling you anything at all i’m at least believing in you, i believe you’re there, i believe you into being. because i’m telling you this story i will your existence. i tell, therefore you are.
so i will go on. so i will myself to go on. (margaret atwood: the handmaid’s tale)
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posted by: renee
on Nov 05, 2008 :: 9:48 am | [6] comments |
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Nov 03, 2008 :: 2:04 pm
blackout
i love the logo of amnesty international.
it’s been an inspiration for me for years. not just for global equality and human dignity, but because of my own life, hope still burning as a candle amidst the barbed wire of abuse and trauma.
i am temporarily taking a break from all internet communication. i need this time to grieve and rest and rage and mourn and heal. i need to unplug and just be.
i will be back. (… i always am) … and i hope you will keep me in your bloglines or rss or whatever it is that reminds you to read me.
i am at the edge of my life right now. it’s severe. i need help. i’m scared.
i will be okay. but i need to do this.
so i will see you as soon as i can.
namaste
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posted by: renee
on Nov 03, 2008 :: 2:04 pm | [15] comments |
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Nov 02, 2008 :: 6:25 pm
enough
something very very bad happened with jordan (and me) today. she completely disobeyed me, didn’t listen, abandoned me somewhere where i was very sick and dizzy and on the verge of passing out. i would not have been able to get back home in the state i was in. (for a very long time)
it shred the last piece of whatever it is i have been holding onto, whatever hope or light or fragment… and i promise you, that if i had medical insurance, i would be in the psych hospital right now.
i’ve had enough.
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posted by: renee
on Nov 02, 2008 :: 6:25 pm | [6] comments |
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